10 qualities to look for in a boyfriend
There isn’t a “secret formula” when looking for a boyfriend.
But it’s okay to hold fast to what’s most important to you and God.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had a short list of qualities I wanted in a boyfriend. Now, it wasn’t a strict list — my boyfriend/future hubby didn’t have to meet EVERY SINGLE CRITERIA. But they were dear to my heart.
It’s okay to have certain desires when it comes to finding a boyfriend / husband. When I was younger, my list included a man with “dark hair.” Looking back, I realize how silly that was. I was getting way too specific. I realized that I needed to focus more on the “heart qualities” — the inner qualities that would make a future husband a strong man in the Lord.
Needless to say, I threw out the notion that I NEEDED a man with dark hair. (God gave me a man with light hair😉) I started focusing on qualities that would make a future husband a strong man in the Lord and held them with an open hand to the Lord.
Here are a few things that I looked for in a boyfriend / my now husband (as I edit this blog post from the future in 2022). I’m not saying you have to have the same list — I just want to share my heart and how God confirmed and repriotized my list… ❤️
10 Qualities I Looked For
Jesus-Loving
This has always been #1. Sure, there were times when I was interested in guys who didn’t walk with God faithfully. But at the end of the day, the Lord always brought me back to this truth: As a daughter of the King, God’s best for me on this earth is a man who is walking with Him.
Although I’m not married, I know that marriage is a team effort. God’s design for marriage is for us to experience a taste of the love we have in HIM. I desperately wanted to be united to my boyfriend / future husband in Christ, the best foundation. If I wanted a relationship to be solid and successful, I had to find someone who loved Christ.
Your boyfriend / husband will never be the “perfect Christian.” But if he’s walking with Christ, we can have hope that God will grow and sanctify him everyday. ❤️
Good sense of humor / joyful spirit
I’ve been surrounded by joyful, lighthearted men all my life — my dad, brother, cousins etc. I have always admired guys with a good sense of humor. I wouldn’t consider myself the funniest person in the room, but I love to laugh. When I met Michael, that was one of the first things that I noticed about him. He was constantly laughing and using his joy to bring light to others.
After almost four years of dating, I can always tell when he’s about to make a joke. I can see the wheels in his head turning before serving up a joke. It’s my favorite thing. Personally, a guy with a good sense of humor shows me that they can’t contain their Jesus-joy and that is so attractive!
Caring and nurturing
When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I realized on a deeper level how important this quality was. When Michael and I first considered dating, one of the first things I told Michael was: “I have an illness and I deal with it often. It affects my life, schooling and even relationships. Is this something that you’re willing to walk through with me?”
Without hesitation, Michael said yes. Although it’s been hard, he has never ceased to take care of me and nurture our relationship in the process. There have been days that he has had to drive me home, crying and seizing from pain. He has had to see me at my worst, yet he cares deeply in the way that he speaks, acts and prays.
Whether you have an illness or not, a man who cares genuinely and deeply about you is a must. A man who nurtures your relationship through the good and the bad is necessary — it’s a mirror image of our Father! ❤️
Family Focused
Family is a BIG DEAL TO ME. Not just my immediate family, but my everyone. My parents, brother and I are so tight — my cousins, aunts and uncles are so precious to me. So when I considered a boyfriend, it was important to me that they loved their family and got along well with mine.
My dad has always told me: “You don’t just marry your spouse. You also marry the family.” No matter the family dynamic, your spouse’s family will become yours. It’s so important to me that my boyfriend has a sweet and respectful relationship with his family. It’s so important to me that my boyfriend spends time with my family. I know every family is different but this is high on my list.
Friendly / a “people-pursuer”
Another quality that I looked for in a boyfriend was friendliness — someone who pursued people in love and enjoyed getting to know others. I have always been a people-pursuer so this was so important to me. I wanted to know that my boyfriend wouldn’t stay to himself, but pursue people genuinely and selflessly. I didn’t need someone who was constantly chattered, but I was deeply attracted to a welcoming heart.
Thankfully, Michael has grown to be one of the most friendly and welcoming people I know. He likes to say that I brought it out of him, but I really know that it was the Lord — and his retail experience 😉 He always greets people with a smile on his face and asks questions to carry a conversation. He always tries to bring a smile and laughter. A man who loves the Lord and wants to love others will pursue others.
Gentle, strong leader
I firmly believe that a man should be the “leader” in the relationship, the one who God has blessed to guide the relationship. (This is another blog post for another time, am I right?) But anyway, I have always desired a strong man of God, willing and able to lead me to God. I didn’t want a man who would bulldoze or abuse his leadership. I wanted a man who would use his God-given position to gently love me and encourage me to pursue Christ.
In Michael, I have found that. Yes, we’re both still growing and we have lots to work on. But I am blessed by the way that he points me to God and is never afraid to speak what he believes is right and what the Bible says. He is often around people with other beliefs, but instead of bulldozing them, he gently yet firmly tells people what he believes in the most loving way. He holds deeply to his convictions and that is such a sweet comfort to me.
A safe space
There were moments in my past relationships where I did NOT feel safe. Physically, emotionally or mentally. Something that I craved was to be in a safe relationship — that there would be no question if he would harm me. It is imperative that relationships are built on trust and that boundaries (physical, emotional etc) are mutual and respected.
There have never been moments when I felt unsafe with Michael. He has never put me in harms way — on the contrary, he has protected me to the best of his ability. A man who loves you and loves God will do whatever he can to protect your heart, body and soul. This is such a comfort because it shows how much he loves the Lord.
Encourager / life-speaker
Let’s be honest — no one wants a man who constantly speaks “words of death over you. Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that we have the power of life and death in our words. A man following God won’t be perfect, but he will strive to speak life giving, encouraging, truthful words over you.
There’s a difference between “sweet talk” and encouraging, life-giving words. Sweet talk, in my opinion, is empty compliments — words without substance, said merely to make you feel good temporarily. Life giving, encouraging words are truthful and meant to build up in love. Although he’s not perfect, Michael has always encouraged me in prayer and positive words that have built me up.
Diligent, hard worker
Not only are hard workin’ men attractive as heck, they are comforting and following God’s design for masculinity. I’m not saying that every guy has to be out in the fields, in a cut off, in the blistering heat while simultaneously lifting 200 pounds over his head. But I am saying that being a hard worker is stinkin’ key.
When I first met Michael, I noticed right away that he was a diligent, hard worker… even if it wasn’t the most fun thing. He saw past the actual work and saw the truth: Working hard isn’t just about the money or the status. It’s about honoring the Lord, providing for others and using our God-given gifts. There’s great comfort knowing that your man will work hard at whatever God calls him to do — no matter if it’s behind a desk, out in the fields or at home.
Adventurous / Bold
This was really a cherry on the top for me. To be completely honest, I always said I wanted a “spontaneous, adventurous” man, but Michael surprised me. After dating him for a bit, it was brought to my attention how TYPE A I was. When I say that, I mean I realized how over-organized I was. I had to know the plan. I had to know exactly what was going down when and where.
Michael started to influence me in the best ways with his adventurous and spur-of-the-moment spirit. He taught me that it was okay to enjoy the here and now… most importantly, he taught me not to worry and release my control over to the Lord.
